


December.

by hexdache



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, December by Neck Deep, Flashbacks, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Overdosing, Parent Death, Past Child Abuse, Songfic, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-17 10:53:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18963805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hexdache/pseuds/hexdache
Summary: Sicheng breaks up with Ten in December. That is Ten's breaking point.





	December.

**Author's Note:**

> This has been posted before!!! As a Gawsten fic!!! Not proof read, so, in case I missed anything when correcting the names:  
> Awsten=Ten  
> Geoff=Sicheng

_Stumbled around the block a thousand times_  
_You missed every call that I had tried_  
_So now I'm giving up_

December 27th. Also known as the fifteenth day that Ten wandered through the streets of Seoul. The atmosphere was nearly asphyxiating, suffocating Ten's every step without him. Without Sicheng's presence. He was gone for good. He left him. Sicheng left him. Broken promises were all that echoed through his ears nowadays.

Fifteen days after Sicheng moved back to Zhejiang with his sister, six days after Ten's last shower, two days after the last piece of food touched his mouth. Thirteen days after his first thought of ending it all.

The thought of consuming booze hadn't left his mind either. He couldn't bring himself to do it, that would crumble 21 years of sobriety to the ground. And Ten didn't want that. Yet.

Ten had learned where every telephone booth in Seoul was placed. They were his new favorite spots to hang at, since Sicheng had blocked his number after the 93rd voice message within the first week. 134 calls, 0 answers.

_A heartbreak in mid-December_  
_You don't give a fuck_  
_You never remember me._

"Not everything in this world revolves around you Sicheng. Maybe you should start thinking about other people's feelings every once in a while!"  
"What the fuck, Ten?! If you weren't such a self-centered asshole this would never have happened! None of these fights! Everything's about you and your fucking depression! Have you not realized that I've spent the last three years of my life babysitting a now 21 year old man who's not mentally stable enough to stay by himself for a week? 'Sicheng go to the store to pick up more antidepressants, Sicheng make me food, Sicheng skip work today so we can cuddle' I've had enough! It's been a year since you stopped working at that management office so naturally I'm supposed to make both our ends meet by myself, and not even get a thank you! I know depression Ten, you fucking know damn well I do. But you should really consider therapy. I can't keep begging you to visit a specialist, you're old and supposedly mature enough to do so by yourself."  
"Fuck you, Sicheng. Fuck. You. If you know depression all that well why are you blaming every god forsaken bad thing that happens on mine?! Is this how your daddy had treated you back then?!"

Ten covered his mouth with his palm, the biggest wave of regret washing over him. He vividly remembers how he met Sicheng- standing on the edge of the smoothie store's roof next to his school nearly seven years ago. It had been two years after his mother had passed away and Sicheng was a mess. His father was heavily abusive towards him and would not let him tell anyone about his mental health. But Ten knew. Ten noticed. He noticed bruises but also angry red marks every now and then. He hated those more than anything, knowing they were self inflicted. Five years, eight suicide attempts, and a restraining order against his father later, Sicheng was finally on the path to happiness. Ten was starting to slip into a depressing mood more and more but nothing mattered to him, as long as Sicheng was happy and clean. And he was, he really was. But in that simple sentence, Ten had completely crushed Sicheng'spirit to the ground.

"Sicheng I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"  
"Fuck you, Ten. Fuck you. I've had enough. Enjoy your fucking life, don't you dare fucking miss me."

The sound of the door closing echoed through every room of the house and kept doing so for the weeks to come.

_While you're pulling on his jeans_  
_Getting lost in the big city_  
_I was looking out our window_  
_Watching all the cars go_  
_Wondering if I'll see Chicago_  
_Or a sunset on the West Coast_

Sicheng hadn't been in Zhejiang in years. He hadn't missed it but he couldn't stay in Seoul- no, Korea. They had created memories in every big city within those seven years of knowing each other.

It wasn't long until Dejun found his way around him again. He always tried to push him away since he lived in hopes of Ten loving him back but now that their love had turned to ashes he was so emotionally worn out that he couldn't bring himself to ask him to leave him alone.

_Or will I die in the cold_  
_Feeling blue and alone_

Ten never bothered to bring a jacket with him nowadays. His big jumpers were hot, but never hot enough. They could never fill that hole in Ten's heart that left him numb and cold. Nothing could take away all the tantalizing thoughts that lingered his pretty little mind, those images of dead roses on the ground, specifically black haired dead roses.

January 1st. Kun's birthday. Ten went to his place, despite only death seeming entertaining in that moment.

Kun told him Sicheng would be there. He wasn't.

It was February 27th and Ten was turning 22.

_Pain is never permanent but tonight it's killing me._

It would be the first birthday he wasn't celebrating with Sicheng in years and he sure as hell was ready for it to be the last. Despite Kun insisting, he was alone on that night after going out for a drink.

Alone with his thoughts, alone with his depression, alone with his pills, and alone with alcohol. He hadn't had any extreme continuous anxiety episodes in two years but it had gotten so bad within that month that he was prescribed Xanax. Perfect.  
When Sicheng left he also left back his favorite bottle of Whiskey.

Perfect.

He was determined that Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul, was going to die on February 27th, 2018.

Kun seemed to have forgotten his wallet at Ten's house and drove back to his place which wasn't too far in the middle of the night, not for one second giving up on the idea of leaving him alone on his birthday night.

Needless to say, he wasn't late to dig out his spare key when he saw that Ten took more than two minutes to answer the door.

He was searching for Ten in the apartment but couldn't find him, not in the front part of it at least.

If he was quick enough to open the door by himself, he was even quicker to drive past every car passing by at two a.m. to rush his suicidal friend to the hospital.

Ten woke up hooked to various machines, the feeling unfamiliar. No matter how bad things got, Ten had never tried to take his life.

It was the first out of the six in total times.

Came August and Ten had managed to find himself a boyfriend. He was loving and caring and careful with Ten's problems. Taeyong truly was wonderful. But after two months of less severe depression a nightmare awoke Ten from his blissful sleep and reminded him of that final fight with Sicheng that ended it all. He wouldn't let this happen again. He wouldn't let others break him. He was only allowed to break himself. And that's what he did. He broke up with Taeyong like he broke up with his past sober and healthy self. There wasn't a day where Ten wouldn't drink. It was an addiction he wasn't willing to put an end to.

December 12th.

_I miss your face, you're in my head_

Sicheng's face was in Ten's head and Ten was on the edge of a bridge. Steps away from death. 2018 had brought him many joys and some of the most beautiful times in his life, but they just weren't enough. Sicheng was his happiness. Sicheng was his serotonin. And what happens when one is lacking serotonin? Depression fucking happens and that's what Ten was. Swallowed by depression. He took a step forward.

_There's so many things that I should have said._

His stupid careless fucking mistake. His sister always told him to keep his mouth shut. Younger, yet so much wiser. Another step.

_A year of suffering, a lesson learned._

If a person were to be within a two-mile radius of Ten, they would smell the booze and sadness. Another step.

_I miss your face, you're in my head_

This has been it. No one is finding him half-dead now. This is the end. This is the end of his short, miserable life. Another step. Second to last. Soon, it would all be over.

_A year of suffering, a lesson lear-_

"Ten?"

Ten was so shocked to hear that familiar haunting voice that he almost ended up falling hundreds of meters to his death.

"S-Sicheng?"

"I'm right here baby, I'm right here."

A hug right next to a big void that would lead to death could be seen as both psychotic and romantic- whatever one likes.

For Ten, it was his favorite moment of his entire life.

Exactly 19 minutes later they were back at Ten's apartment. Their apartment.

"What's all this alcohol smell?"  
"What are all these red marks on your skin?"

'Explain' was the only word that calmly left their mouths. It was a long and painful two hours of reuniting before every single alcoholic beverage and sharp object was thrown out of their small, lovely and now lively apartment.

 

_It's gonna be a long,_

_**lovely** December._


End file.
